Robbie Maycock

Originally written Sept 2023 for my friend Alex who was about to become a father. Hoping other soon-to-be fathers find value here.

You’ll soon be joining the Dad Club, so I wanted to jot down a few thoughts from the past 4.5 months that may be helpful -

During our NCT birth class, I was flabbergasted by the fact that women are not designed to give birth on their backs. Women’s coccyx (tail) bones flex backwards, creating 30% more space for the baby’s passage. Lying down prevents this from happening. While many women will give birth on their backs for many important and valid reasons (Maura did, as you know), women can and do birth squatting, on all fours, even standing! Learning this disoriented me. What else did I not know?

Get on their wave length

During the same class, we did an icebreaker that helped me empathize with Maura. Try this: find a large pillow and stick it underneath your t-shirt. Drop a pen on the floor and then try to pick it up without crushing your ‘baby’. Seriously, try it. It’s very, very difficult. During the class we kept the pillow under our shirts all morning. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t not think about this protruding belly - it was in my eye line. Putting hormones and mother instincts aside, your partner is forced to think about this baby 24/7 for 9 months - before they have even arrived. When Maura was frustrated that I wasn’t engaging about baby planning, I could see why. Having a baby never felt ‘real’ to me until someone handed me George. Try your best to take initiative with baby planning and ask your partner what she would like from you.

Elevate your role

Once you understand the basics (birth stages, when go to hospital, etc), I suggest you look into ‘hypnobirthing’ as an approach to optimize the birthing experience for both of you. We did an awesome online class with Maryam but there are books and apps (recommended by friend).

From the movies we watch, stories we hear, and language we use, many of us have been conditioned to view birth as a grueling feat that evokes fear, stress and anxiety. This baggage of negativity, if brought into birth, makes vaginal birth slower, more difficult and more painful. In the early stages of birth, fear-induced adrenaline inhibits oxytocin, the love hormone which starts and facilitates birth. In later stage birth, adrenaline overstimulates contractions so that birth happens more quickly (and painfully). Read about hormones here.

Hypnobirthing teaches women to trust their body and baby to achieve a calm and confident birth, through relaxation and mindfulness techniques. It also elevates the role of the partner - you - in the birth process. Instead of feeling like a bystander, I felt involved and empowered: get Maura relaxed and keep her there during birth.

Even if your partner is not having a vaginal birth, perfecting the art of calmness, confidence and relaxation together can help with the inevitable discomfort towards the end of pregnancy.

Specifically, we:

• Practiced hypnobirthing affirmations daily for three months prior to birth and during birth itself. I would read them to her, and practice a soft touch to soothe her. Here is an affirmation script example. This hypno-birthing app was recommended to me from a friend: Freya (though we did not use).
• Used positive and softer language whenever talking about birth. For example, we used ‘surge’ (of energy) instead of ‘contraction’ and ‘birthing window’ instead of ‘due date’. Language is a powerful tool.
• Optimized the environment at home and the hospital - using all five senses - to maximize relaxation and calm. I elaborate more on this later.

Predicting Birth

I’ve got a thing about due dates. They are an estimate on an estimate: last day of period + 42 weeks (an average of some sort, which changes depending on your country). Yet, due dates are used for key decisions. With only 5% of births happening on their due date, it seems silly to introduce labels of being ‘early’ or ‘late’ based on it - there is no train to miss; your partner is the train. In Maura’s case, being 2 weeks ‘overdue’ lead to unnecessary anxiety and worry, just as hormones and discomfort were at their peak. I'd heard others caught unprepared with an early delivery. Instead, think about a 'birth window' instead. 

Whoop, the fitness device, recently found a novel biomarker that apparently can predict birth six weeks ahead. If reliable, this is epic news for those aiming for a natural birth, and I imagine can inform planned c-sections too. We heard about this after the fact, but Maura will definitely try this for our second child! Check out the research. For more on due date guestimates.

The Name Game

Maura: “Robbie, what do you think of the name Patricia?” Me: “Honestly, hate it.” Awkward silence at family breakfast, as all eyes turn to my father-in-law. Maura: “That was Buzz’s mother’s name.” True story.

Lesson: never be honest about baby names, and don’t ask for anyone else’s honest opinion.

Why don’t guys get a baby shower?

Heard of a ‘Diaper Party?' Its just dudes hanging with food and beer. Cost of admission is a bag of diapers. You’re going to need a lot of them - your baby will singlehandedly fill a landfill with used diapers.

Getting a different perspective

If a natural birth-first approach is your thing, we’ve been recommended this midwife for 121 advice before birth. "[She] provide[s] services to women and families seeking more than the conveyor-belt style of care and education that the NHS is providing people with currently.” 

What to take to hospital

I remember scoffing at the idea that people would take multiple bags to the hospital. This isn’t a holiday stay at a hotel; how absurd. Sorry to break it to you - you’re going to be that guy dragging in multiple bags, suitcases and baby gear. Like an explorer heading into the abyss, you’ve got to be prepared. For context, we spent 4 days in the hospital. And I assure you that you never want to leave your partner’s side to restock.

There are lots of lists out there on what to take, which I won’t duplicate here. It’s important that you pack the bags (I did three, one for each of us), so that you know where things are. Also, prepare to sleep at the hospital.

A few key things to remember (for a planned natural birth):

• Towel - leaks can happen in car or taxi on way to hospital
• Good ear plugs - things can get super loud; sleep when you can (both of you)
• Eye patch - sleep when you can (both of you)
• Flip flops - closest thing to barefoot
• Warmer clothes - hospital can get very cold
• Electronic candles, lavender scents, favourite pillow / blankets - accessories to make room calm, familiar and comfortable.

Create the best environment

Most female mammals seek out dark, quiet, safe and unobserved places to give birth. Unfortunately, most hospitals provide an antithetical environment. The bright lights, loud sounds, stressed doctors, sterile smells and freezing temperatures elevate stress, which in turn inhibits oxytocin. This is why many elect to use - if they can - a birthing centre or home birth. These are a few things you can do to create good vibes in the hospital:

• Turn off lights and close blinds; replace with battery-powered candles
• Bring your own pillows and blankets; enhance with lavender scents
• Ask to turn off / down any devices with beeping
• You can act as the translator between the hospital staff and your partner, speaking outside of the room. You can then decide how to best deliver the message, and not disrupt her while in the zone. While this will not work for everyone (nor us, to be honest), it reminded me that there are many things within your control.

Decision making at hospital

I think it’s important to remember that your partner’s body is hers, and that she will make all final birthing decisions. You are not spectators, delegating decision-making to your doctor. I found coming to terms with this both liberating and nerve-wracking, especially when acknowledging that Maura would be far from clear headed. You’ll have a Birth Plan but things rarely go to plan. In our case, we planned for a natural birth and eventually had an ‘emergency c-section’ (which is another loaded term - it was more of a ‘last minute c-section’). Therefore, you’ll need to do the work and know what about all eventualities - induction methods, forecepts, epidurals, vacuum, pitocin, etc.

We also found that the goals between you and your doctor are not fully aligned. Everything else being equal, the hospital has the added goal of managing throughput - freeing beds for other patients. In our case, we pushed back against our doctor’s recommendation to start a pitocin drip (synthetic oxytocin). Maura decided that she wanted more time to follow her Birth Plan before introducing interventions.

Acronyms have never been my thing, but I found this one helpful for working through the unexpected and making the best decisions. BRAIN: Benefits?, Risks?, Alternatives?, (Trust) Instinct, (Do) Nothing.

Some additional questions that can be helpful:

• What about in our case?
• Is this hospital protocol or is there evidence behind this decision?
• We need more time… Can we reevaluate in an hour?
• Can you give it to us in writing?

In awe

After your baby is delivered - Inshallah - in good health, you will look at your partner (and all women) with a new sense of awe. It’s honestly nuts that only women have to go through birth. When George was born, Maura and I hadn’t yet decided on a name and after birth I remember exclaiming: “name our child whatever you want!”

Last birthing tip: think of a range of superlatives to cheer on your partner. “You’re doing great!” gets old quick, and you won’t be able to think of any on the spot. Come up with at least 10 phrases to say to her for both encouragement and calming.

The first night

Get yourself a couple thermometers for your living and bedroom. If you’re anything like me, you’ll be freaking out about how many clothes and blankets to wrap your little one in that first night. The rule is wrap them in one more clothing layer than you’re wearing. Seems simple, but you quickly realize that there is an element of judgement required, which you also realize that you have no business trusting after <1 day in charge. Further, doubt creeps in when you feel that your baby has freezing hands and feet (this is totally normal btw). Thermometers don’t solve the problem but they at least give you hard facts when your mind is foggy. There are many charts/infographics online that help with this.

The Golden Quadrant

So you inevitably are holding a crying baby, and you can’t pass them off because… it’s yours. What do you do? Cycle through the four possibilities: are they tired? hungry? diaper change? new hold? The football hold is a pro move.

You’ll quickly realize that one always works: feeding baby. (Not always, but you know what I mean). It’s like a cheat code, but - assuming you’re breast feeding - its not fair to your partner to always pass the baby back to her at the first sign of fussiness. Resist the temptation to use “the cheat code” too early, which my mother-in-law sternly reminded me of.

First observations

One of my favorite writers, Tim Urban, describes his experience of the ‘four trimester’ in his uniquely lucid and witty style. Definitely worth a read his blog. I have some similar observations:

• You don’t feel like a dad initially. I don’t know why I thought I would suddenly feel different when handed a newborn called ‘yours’. Don’t worry, it grows on you. In my case it took two months.
• The 10k-hours principle applies to being a parent. On day one, you and your wife are equally clueless (Remember this! She has no idea what she is doing either, and won’t always have the answers). Only with practice will you get better as a parent, whether it be changing diapers, soothing baby, putting baby down to sleep, etc. As a Dad, we’re at a sadly biologic disadvantage as breast-feeding women simply get more time with the baby. There were and are times when I know Maura does things better and quicker than me, but if I don’t put in my ‘hours’ I won’t catch up. I recommend getting stuck in early and often. It will pay dividends later.
• Holding a crying baby is one of the hardest things I’ve endured. I can empathise with those who have wanted to shake or throw their baby - I had that feeling once. Those moments calls for extreme control. I know you can do it. Remember, you can always put down your baby (in the crib) and return to the room once you’ve had a breather. Sometimes, babies just cry and your job is just to hold them through it.
• I’m actively pursuing the ‘art of not giving a f*ck’ when out eating, drinking or traveling. Initially, when George cried in public, I would rush to silent him or remove him from the situation. I then came to this realization that my reaction wasn’t about helping George but about reducing my own feelings of embarrassment and unease. I’ve reoriented my priorities around George and his needs. Now when he cries, I attend to him first.
• Clothes with magnets are your friend.
• Your brain won’t be the same. The Economist recently wrote about how your brain changes after becoming a parent. Personally, my memory is shot. Lean on your friends with babies closest in age to your baby - they will have the clearest memories of that specific time. I am also try my best to capture meaningful moments in my journal or our Memory a Day book. Looking back, the last 4.5 months have moved at both supersonic and glacial speed. It’s weird.
• You will love your son more and more every day. How does something thats full, continue to get fuller? It’s illogical but true.
• I’ve been wondering about the best way to manage the parent-grandparent dynamic around parenting decisions. On one hand, we have hugely experienced parents who come from a different generation - Bill never changed a diaper! On the other hand, we are naive and excited parents who can find six modern solutions for every baby problem in an instant. How to get best from this dynamic? I found that asking my parents / in-laws to coach me helped create a more positive environment for that information exchange and discussion to happen.
• You can bring your baby everywhere. It seems hard, daunting and some days will not seem worth it, but ultimately - for both of your mental health and for their adaptability in the world - it is worth it. The feeling of accomplishment is huge.

Where should you focus your time?

I think there are a few things you should try to prioritise with your newborn / baby:

• Skin-to-skin - The importance of skin-to-skin contact right after birth is promoted like new science, as it helps you bond with your child. Personally, I think you should continue doing skin-to-skin as much as as possible, for as long as possible. Their skin is so soft. It elevates holding them from a transition to a goal. And, most importantly, it makes it easier for you to settle them - helps with your 10k hours. Tip: Get yourself a sick cardigan, or even a kimono, or even even some overalls, so that you can get some skin-to-skin in with your in-laws around.
• Read interesting things - With a newborn, don’t drive yourself crazy by reading children’s books. I think it’s an interesting time to discover poetry, given the short format (you memory will bf*cked) and intention to be read lyrically and out loud. While some will argue that reading doesn’t matter in the first weeks, I disagree. Indeed, it is more about your baby hearing your voice. Also, I think it’s helpful to start a reading routine while everything is fresh and its difficult to time their development stage. An article outlining the latest research about the ‘30 million word gap’.
• Keeping healthy, both of you - There are some frightening statistics about postpartum depression and/or anxiety: up to 1/4 women will get it, and it can arise at any point during the baby’s first year. While it’s your duty to keep an eye on your partner, it’s also important to keep healthy yourself. Little is said about fathers’ mental and physical health during this time, but we know it takes a toll. Quick tip: as you’ll be time constrained, double up on activities like working out with friends.
• Find your fun / weird - Lean into your unique take on Dad-dom. I personally loved heaving on a Snotsucker to get out marble sized boogers from George’s nose, and watching him swing a baby tennis racket. On a more serious note, I wrote him a letter for his 16th birthday and want to help him better know his grandparents, perhaps with something like Storyworth.

Planning for stress

A couple things to think ahead about:

• Breastfeeding - This was one of the big unknowns for Maura and sources of stress. If you aren’t doing it right, it’s kind of a big deal - the kid won’t eat. Basic questions like ‘is the baby getting milk?’ and ‘is it enough?’ were rational concerns yet impossible to answer. While she did figure it out, with help from the hospital and a visiting home nurse (thank you NHS), we did have a Plan B. I suggest you have a breast feeding guru’s phone number ready and remember that baby formula is a viable alternative.
• Babies can be fussy around mother - Heard this from our midwife that some babies won’t relax when they are near their mother and not nursing. This can make your partner feel like a vending machine and unloved. No easy answer here but something to keep in mind.
• Colic - Some babies have what’s called ‘colic’ which basically means they cry incessantly with no clear cause. The definition is crying for at least three or more hours a day, three or more days a week, for three or more weeks. Fortunately, we didn’t have to navigate this but in retrospect, I should have known about and thought about this scenario - consider taking paternity or unpaid leave, or recruiting help. Came across this site, but I’m sure there are others out there.
• Weird thoughts - I remember having intrusive thoughts wash over me during those first few weeks. However you can, look to ride it out with meditation, exercise, speaking with friends, getting outside, etc. Remember, I’m one call away.

Growth mindset

We were sent this Huberman podcast from Maura’s brother, and loved it. While it doesn’t specifically discuss parenting advice, it talks about creating the conditions for a growth mindset, namely: focusing and rewarding effort not outcomes or labels. Worth a listen.

Pacifiers

A good idea or not? We just ended up doing it. At the time, it took me by surprise - we hadn’t spoke about it; I hadn’t thought about it - and I didn’t like that. I haven’t looked at any of the research so can’t report back. For us with George, the pacifier has been an essential tool for us to divert his attention and settle him.

Dogs

While Aggy, our corgi, was just exceptional from the moment we returned from the hospital, we had a plan ready: introduce baby furniture early before birth, have mum be first to greet dog at door after hospital, slowly introduce baby and never leave them alone together.

Some Gear to Consider (definitely not all)

• Themometer - not just for your home in the early days, but also helps when you travel
• Magnet clothes - magnets are your friend!
• Snotsucker
• Noise machine
• Black out curtains - you apparently want room so dark you can’t see far wall
• Baby tracking app - we use Huckleberry to aid our shot memory; it predicts next best nap time
• Rockit - if you don’t want to splash on a Snoo, you can attach this to the basinet and get a decent rock. you’ll want something to rock ‘em.
• Good backpack (diaper bag)
• Baby carrier - Artipoppe is the Rolls Royce of carriers
• Baby bouncer - as you know, George’s favorite
• High contrast images / art, especially with faces - babies see in black and white early on and respond to it
• Free Hand Baby bottle - when giving a bottle, frees a hand

Additional Books

• Cribsheet (and next two in collection)
• Your Baby Week by Week (get the updated 2018 version)
• Parent like a Pediatrician
• Bringing up Bebe

Thank you to my strong wife and mother of my child, Maura Maycock, for reviewing drafts.